"It takes a long time to grow an old friend."
-John Leonard
. . . .
I was heating up some dinner standing in between the kitchen and the bathroom when I heard it. It started drizzling. I directed my attention from the microwave counting down to zero to the moist window just across the room. It seemed like small fingers were tapping on it. Soon, it became rain. It trickled on the window to the pane which had a semi-harsh crack. I should really get that fixed. But then again, I should really get a lot of things here fixed. Including myself. I'll replace the window soon.
As the rain continued on and my dinner (which was yesterday's Chinese takeout leftovers) had finally finished its time on the microwave, I couldn't help but smile. I slid my glasses back up to my nose bridge and took another look. The rain always made me smile. But not as often now as it used to. And definitely not as big a smile from way back then.
I slumped on my couch with unmade blankets still toppled on. I tugged my coziest blanket to wrap myself up and nestled my Chinese takeout dinner on to my blanket-covered legs. I reached for the remote and turn on the TV. Ah, my favorite time of the week... Netflix night. Then again, maybe this wasn't just another Netflix night.
My apartment buzzer went on just as I was about to pick a movie. I reached for my phone on top of the desk next to the sofa. I tapped on it to look at the time. 10:12 PM. I wasn't expecting anyone... Was I?
My apartment buzzer went on just as I was about to pick a movie. I reached for my phone on top of the desk next to the sofa. I tapped on it to look at the time. 10:12 PM. I wasn't expecting anyone... Was I?
Sometimes, I tend to forget plans I make with people I rarely see nowadays. I usually cancel at the last minute because I had articles to finish or I just wanted my "me time". So I made sure I wasn't making a mistake. I got up from my cozy nest and tied my hair up to a bun so I at least looked semi-decent if it was someone I knew. Technically, I'd be forced to let them in. Although I am wearing over-sized pajamas though so... How decent can I actually get?
The apartment buzzer rang for one more time until I finally reached the intercom to speak.
"Hellooo? Who is it?"
I used my singsong voice because... Well, why not?
"Hey! Is this who I finally think this is?"
The high-pitched voice speaking belonged to a woman who probably felt giddy and excited. I felt a bit weirded out. Who would be so excited to hear from me at this late an hour? "Uh, this is Skyler Marquez... Who is this?"
"Sky! Finally, I found you! It's Eva Mae!"
I froze. Eva Mae? I never thought I'd hear that name again, let alone be able to talk to her and let her in my apartment. But I did. It's been what? Six years? Six years since the last time we saw each other and swore that we would keep in touch. We almost never did. We exchanged chats for a few months but then, we both got busy... I got busy. But now, she's here. Apparently, she's going to be here for a while.
I loved her short curly hair with royal blue dye now but I didn't tell her. She looked more like herself more than ever. Much more than the last time I saw her with frizzy long brown hair. I wish I had the guts to color mine again too. I bet the whole office would be in shock if I did.
We talked on the way upstairs while I carried one of her sticker-filled luggage. Yes, she had luggage with her. Both she and her luggage were dripping wet from the rain. Her black raincoat was from Paris, she said. If she'd known the rain would be this hard, she would have worn the one from Japan, she said.
She told me real quick on how she's been traveling all around for the past three years using the money she earned from her two best-selling books. I mean, can you believe it? HarperCollins published me!
Hearing that, it kind of stung. I did manage to avoid the conversation about her books though. Once I asked about Japan, her trail of thoughts flew away. To be honest, I actually haven't read her books yet. I could have but I chose not to. I was too intimidated with the idea of Eva Mae having reached the dream we both had back in high school while I... Well...
I loved her short curly hair with royal blue dye now but I didn't tell her. She looked more like herself more than ever. Much more than the last time I saw her with frizzy long brown hair. I wish I had the guts to color mine again too. I bet the whole office would be in shock if I did.
We talked on the way upstairs while I carried one of her sticker-filled luggage. Yes, she had luggage with her. Both she and her luggage were dripping wet from the rain. Her black raincoat was from Paris, she said. If she'd known the rain would be this hard, she would have worn the one from Japan, she said.
She told me real quick on how she's been traveling all around for the past three years using the money she earned from her two best-selling books. I mean, can you believe it? HarperCollins published me!
Hearing that, it kind of stung. I did manage to avoid the conversation about her books though. Once I asked about Japan, her trail of thoughts flew away. To be honest, I actually haven't read her books yet. I could have but I chose not to. I was too intimidated with the idea of Eva Mae having reached the dream we both had back in high school while I... Well...
"I still can't believe you're here..." I touched the nape of my neck as she strides through the hallway between the kitchen and the bathroom. Classic Eva, always flaunting her way in new places marking the territory with her enthusiasm.
"I can't believe I found you!" she took a breath and twirled between the TV and the sofa, maybe trying to find a space to put down the duffle bag she was holding.
"I can just---"
Before I could finish my sentence or offer to take the bag, she threw it to the side of the room.
"Or... I guess, that could work too?"
She turned to smile at me as she plopped down on the couch. "So...?"
"So?" I rolled her luggage underneath the square dining table beside the TV set.
"Enough about me! How've you been?"
Before I could even get a word out, I found myself distracted with the window from the bedroom suddenly flying open. I rushed to lock it closed and immediately went back to the living room.
"You were saying?" I asked.
"I was asking... What have you been up to for the past, what, four years?"
I tried not to correct her timeline. "Well, I've been working under Vox Media for the last three years. Features writer for New York Magazine. I also help out at the community theater sometimes during their productions. Nothing too special."
"But hey! You've always wanted to be a performing writer and here you are..."
"Yeah," I sat down on the sofa next to her. "Here I am."
I look to see Eva smiling at me but I felt it was insincere. I knew deep down that she wanted to ask some more blunt questions. I adjusted my glasses to my nose bridge and looked at her questioning. I always knew if she was holding something back. Maybe she just didn't want to lose a place to stay for the night... Or for the next few nights as well.
"So... How long do you plan on staying here in New York?" I asked, just to avoid the long awkward silence.
She took a deep breath. "Well, after navigating the globe for the past three years, I'd actually like to take a break for a while. And when I asked your sister if she knew where you were, I knew I had to come!"
She still had this excited tone in her voice. It kind of annoyed me. Part of me wanted to break her friendliness because it felt so... fake. There were a lot of things that changed in her which I still couldn't fully embrace.
"Why didn't you just come home? Montana would accept you with open arms!"
"Ah, Montana..."
Suddenly, Eva's face shifted. Of course, she would hear the sarcasm in my voice. At the same time, I regretted the words that slipped my mouth. But then again, I didn't. This was the Eva Mae I knew. Her aura changed from being upbeat and bubbly to somewhat lost and longing. I get her in that moment. She may be all-known and successful by miles away from me but rooting back from home, we're still the same.
"...I'm not so sure about that."
I wasn't so sure myself. But I didn't say it out loud. A thunder crashed.
We both turned towards each other and kind of just smiled a sad smile. It was all so strange how I saw Montana and everything that happened there all resting in Eva's eyes. Like it was tattooed inside her pupils and the pain from the needle still stings. We were both longing for a place that could no longer be ours even if we tried. But for a time, it was ours. We had it but then, we let it slip through our hands. Looking back, claiming something incomprehensible during the days of our youth feels so foolish now.
"So... What were you going to watch?" She motioned her head to the TV still open on the Netflix homepage.
I shifted and grabbed the remote from beside me. "Well, I was going to look and see if they still had High School Musical but I think my luck just ran out."
She shook her head and let out a giggle. "My god, you're embarrassing!"
"What? What's wrong with High School Musical?"
"Nothing's wrong... I mean... You're a grown-ass woman who still likes to watch old Disney channel original movies! After all these years. We're, like, ancient for that..."
"Oh, so I guess you're too old and sophisticated now to bother with Disney? Who are you now---Ms. Darbus? Feels like I'm being called out to detention."
"Give me the remote." I knew she'd bite.
I gave her the remote with a satisfied grin. She typed in such a focus that I could have sworn it was just like back in high school when I told her she was too clumsy to wear heels to the homecoming dance. Needless to say, she wore six-inches stilettos to the night of the dance. Did she fall a few times over? Yes. But did she wear the heels to homecoming? Yes.
That's Eva Mae for you. Always the type of person who's so determined to prove herself no matter what the argument was about. I didn't have to look at the screen to know what movie she picked out. She may have changed but she didn't change that much. "Vuelie" started bursting from the stereos as Eva Mae turned up the volume.
"This is a Disney classic! If you're gonna watch something from Disney, at least pick one of the best."
"OK, point taken. Now, will you please turn down the volume? My walls aren't exactly soundproof. Mrs. Gonzales is very sensitive from next door."
"Oops, sorry..." She lowered the volume to a 45 which was still loud but I just let it be.
We watched Frozen for the rest of the night. Eva Mae let me have my Chinese leftover takeouts in peace. Don't think I'm cold-hearted just yet because I was eating but Eva wasn't. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, of course. She told me she already ate before coming and that she wasn't really hungry. And I was sure she wasn't because every time a song came along, she would burst into a quick sing-a-long dance routine. Just like she used to. And I know Eva Mae. If there was anything she was open about the most, it would be her hunger.
We finished the movie at half past midnight. We both got up from the sofa and stretched our arms. "Welp, time to hit the hay"
"Who even says that anymore?" Eva laughed and I ended up laughing too. "Hey."
"What?" I was bundling up the unmade blankets from the couch. I looked to Eva Mae staring at the bookshelf just above my sofa.
She vaguely pointed to the shelf. "Did you ever actually read the books I wrote? I mean, obviously, it's not anywhere there."
"Oh." I winced. I didn't have the heart to tell her. Especially not right now. Not at this very second. Not now that we've reconnected from watching Frozen.
She looked to the floor with a forced smile. "So... No? Not even a single page?"
"To be very very honest with you, Eva... I can't--"
"Can't what?"
"I can't... I can't be more jealous than I already am now... Especially about a dream that..." I swallowed hard. "...I've given up on a long time ago."
The words tasted bitter in my mouth. "Reading your... books, well... It would only mean defeat for me. I mean, I'm already defeated. But actually reading what you've written would only verify it even more."
"It hurts. I want to read what you've written. I really do. I was your number one fan. We were each other's number one fans. I was so excited the first time I passed by the bookstore after you got your release. Your book was staring at me by the window. I couldn't be more proud. But then, I kept coming back to every moment I ever let you down because you let me down first. I just... I can't. My pride won't let me."
I was holding back on tears. I didn't need tears then. I don't need tears now.
"I guess, you're just as stubborn as I am." She gave a hurt smile.
She reached for her duffle bag, opened it and brought out a copy of her first novel, "Paint the Horizon". She threw it on the sofa. "If it bothered you so much for such a long time, you could have at least answered my emails. I doubt you even read the ones before I even got published. But I forgave you for that. Turns out though, you still haven't forgiven yourself."
Eva Mae knew that I refused to pick up the book she meant to throw for me to take. So she pointed to it and said, "Open it. Third page to the front."
"Why?"
"Sky..." She wiped her face annoyed. "Whatever. Just, whatever. I'm sorry if I sound pushy or annoyed but... I am. Just... I'm going to sleep. Where do I--"
"Here." I put a blanket down on the sofa and picked the book up. I didn't wait for her to say anything else as I rushed to the bedroom. And just like Elsa, I closed the thin wooden sliding door while brushing everything off with a Good night.
The pitter patter of rain still showered against the window. I moved closer to touch the crack on the bottom pane. I was still holding the book in my other hand. I opened my table light and flipped the book to the third page.
"I can't believe I found you!" she took a breath and twirled between the TV and the sofa, maybe trying to find a space to put down the duffle bag she was holding.
"I can just---"
Before I could finish my sentence or offer to take the bag, she threw it to the side of the room.
"Or... I guess, that could work too?"
She turned to smile at me as she plopped down on the couch. "So...?"
"So?" I rolled her luggage underneath the square dining table beside the TV set.
"Enough about me! How've you been?"
Before I could even get a word out, I found myself distracted with the window from the bedroom suddenly flying open. I rushed to lock it closed and immediately went back to the living room.
"You were saying?" I asked.
"I was asking... What have you been up to for the past, what, four years?"
I tried not to correct her timeline. "Well, I've been working under Vox Media for the last three years. Features writer for New York Magazine. I also help out at the community theater sometimes during their productions. Nothing too special."
"But hey! You've always wanted to be a performing writer and here you are..."
"Yeah," I sat down on the sofa next to her. "Here I am."
I look to see Eva smiling at me but I felt it was insincere. I knew deep down that she wanted to ask some more blunt questions. I adjusted my glasses to my nose bridge and looked at her questioning. I always knew if she was holding something back. Maybe she just didn't want to lose a place to stay for the night... Or for the next few nights as well.
"So... How long do you plan on staying here in New York?" I asked, just to avoid the long awkward silence.
She took a deep breath. "Well, after navigating the globe for the past three years, I'd actually like to take a break for a while. And when I asked your sister if she knew where you were, I knew I had to come!"
She still had this excited tone in her voice. It kind of annoyed me. Part of me wanted to break her friendliness because it felt so... fake. There were a lot of things that changed in her which I still couldn't fully embrace.
"Why didn't you just come home? Montana would accept you with open arms!"
"Ah, Montana..."
Suddenly, Eva's face shifted. Of course, she would hear the sarcasm in my voice. At the same time, I regretted the words that slipped my mouth. But then again, I didn't. This was the Eva Mae I knew. Her aura changed from being upbeat and bubbly to somewhat lost and longing. I get her in that moment. She may be all-known and successful by miles away from me but rooting back from home, we're still the same.
"...I'm not so sure about that."
I wasn't so sure myself. But I didn't say it out loud. A thunder crashed.
We both turned towards each other and kind of just smiled a sad smile. It was all so strange how I saw Montana and everything that happened there all resting in Eva's eyes. Like it was tattooed inside her pupils and the pain from the needle still stings. We were both longing for a place that could no longer be ours even if we tried. But for a time, it was ours. We had it but then, we let it slip through our hands. Looking back, claiming something incomprehensible during the days of our youth feels so foolish now.
"So... What were you going to watch?" She motioned her head to the TV still open on the Netflix homepage.
I shifted and grabbed the remote from beside me. "Well, I was going to look and see if they still had High School Musical but I think my luck just ran out."
She shook her head and let out a giggle. "My god, you're embarrassing!"
"What? What's wrong with High School Musical?"
"Nothing's wrong... I mean... You're a grown-ass woman who still likes to watch old Disney channel original movies! After all these years. We're, like, ancient for that..."
"Oh, so I guess you're too old and sophisticated now to bother with Disney? Who are you now---Ms. Darbus? Feels like I'm being called out to detention."
"Give me the remote." I knew she'd bite.
I gave her the remote with a satisfied grin. She typed in such a focus that I could have sworn it was just like back in high school when I told her she was too clumsy to wear heels to the homecoming dance. Needless to say, she wore six-inches stilettos to the night of the dance. Did she fall a few times over? Yes. But did she wear the heels to homecoming? Yes.
That's Eva Mae for you. Always the type of person who's so determined to prove herself no matter what the argument was about. I didn't have to look at the screen to know what movie she picked out. She may have changed but she didn't change that much. "Vuelie" started bursting from the stereos as Eva Mae turned up the volume.
"This is a Disney classic! If you're gonna watch something from Disney, at least pick one of the best."
"OK, point taken. Now, will you please turn down the volume? My walls aren't exactly soundproof. Mrs. Gonzales is very sensitive from next door."
"Oops, sorry..." She lowered the volume to a 45 which was still loud but I just let it be.
We watched Frozen for the rest of the night. Eva Mae let me have my Chinese leftover takeouts in peace. Don't think I'm cold-hearted just yet because I was eating but Eva wasn't. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, of course. She told me she already ate before coming and that she wasn't really hungry. And I was sure she wasn't because every time a song came along, she would burst into a quick sing-a-long dance routine. Just like she used to. And I know Eva Mae. If there was anything she was open about the most, it would be her hunger.
We finished the movie at half past midnight. We both got up from the sofa and stretched our arms. "Welp, time to hit the hay"
"Who even says that anymore?" Eva laughed and I ended up laughing too. "Hey."
"What?" I was bundling up the unmade blankets from the couch. I looked to Eva Mae staring at the bookshelf just above my sofa.
She vaguely pointed to the shelf. "Did you ever actually read the books I wrote? I mean, obviously, it's not anywhere there."
"Oh." I winced. I didn't have the heart to tell her. Especially not right now. Not at this very second. Not now that we've reconnected from watching Frozen.
She looked to the floor with a forced smile. "So... No? Not even a single page?"
"To be very very honest with you, Eva... I can't--"
"Can't what?"
"I can't... I can't be more jealous than I already am now... Especially about a dream that..." I swallowed hard. "...I've given up on a long time ago."
The words tasted bitter in my mouth. "Reading your... books, well... It would only mean defeat for me. I mean, I'm already defeated. But actually reading what you've written would only verify it even more."
"It hurts. I want to read what you've written. I really do. I was your number one fan. We were each other's number one fans. I was so excited the first time I passed by the bookstore after you got your release. Your book was staring at me by the window. I couldn't be more proud. But then, I kept coming back to every moment I ever let you down because you let me down first. I just... I can't. My pride won't let me."
I was holding back on tears. I didn't need tears then. I don't need tears now.
"I guess, you're just as stubborn as I am." She gave a hurt smile.
She reached for her duffle bag, opened it and brought out a copy of her first novel, "Paint the Horizon". She threw it on the sofa. "If it bothered you so much for such a long time, you could have at least answered my emails. I doubt you even read the ones before I even got published. But I forgave you for that. Turns out though, you still haven't forgiven yourself."
Eva Mae knew that I refused to pick up the book she meant to throw for me to take. So she pointed to it and said, "Open it. Third page to the front."
"Why?"
"Sky..." She wiped her face annoyed. "Whatever. Just, whatever. I'm sorry if I sound pushy or annoyed but... I am. Just... I'm going to sleep. Where do I--"
"Here." I put a blanket down on the sofa and picked the book up. I didn't wait for her to say anything else as I rushed to the bedroom. And just like Elsa, I closed the thin wooden sliding door while brushing everything off with a Good night.
The pitter patter of rain still showered against the window. I moved closer to touch the crack on the bottom pane. I was still holding the book in my other hand. I opened my table light and flipped the book to the third page.
To my friend above many horizons---Sky
(We could have made it together;
So until then
I'll stay with you until
it's your turn)
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